When it boils down to it, we are all here because of one thing – sex.
When we get down to the basics of life, we do most of what we do for one reason – sex.
When we have sex with the same person for a long period of time, we usually find that it becomes an obligation.
It is a well known fact that the passion in a relationship has usually run out after eighteen months; for whatever reason, for whatever chemical reaction, the human species can only keep the passion at its maximum for a maximum of eighteen months; after that, the passion turns into something else – if you’re lucky it turns into a romantic and loving connection, if you’re normal it turns into something mundane, if you’re married it turns into a kind of awkward incest (because your wife will feel like a sister and your husband will act like a brother).
The reason this happens, the reason the sex becomes boring, the reason the passion dies and the relationship dwindles into a place of ‘acceptance’ is due to predictability – we become comfortable or complacent and we allow our lives to drift into a place of mundane experiences with the mix of finances, children and responsibilities that put our (once so exciting sex life) on the back burner which then leads to a sexless life of obligation – sex and obligation should never be in the same sentence. Ever.
Sex should always be a pleasure; even if that pleasure involves pleasing our partner (which should give us pleasure) it should still be a pleasure, an experience that enlivens us and brightens our day (or night). If it becomes a chore, then that is our fault, and it is our choice.
There is a solution to this, there is a way to overcome this commonplace problem of boring sex, there is hope if we are prepared to make the effort…
If we can vary up our sex life, if we make sure that we are spontaneous, if we are more aware of not allowing the day to day to control our tendency to become predictable, then we have a chance of overcoming the eighteen month rule, we have a hope of keeping our sex life exciting, interesting and connected.
Rather than having sex in bed every Thursday night for 12.6 minutes in the same missionary position as always, sex has to be varied.
Rather than just ‘getting off’ and then rolling off, sex should be an experience that takes our lovers feelings, desires and needs into account.
Rather than seeing sex as a function to be performed once in a while with our partner, sex should be a thrill that we enjoy with someone we love, admire and respect.
If we forget to be an active participant in foreplay, if we forget to make sex something that is tantalizing, sensual and original, then we can expect our sex life to become mundane.
If we could only remember what it was like when we had sex with our partner for the first time, then we would have a much better chance of making our sex life exciting for longer; if we make the same effort over the years as we did the first time we had sex, then our sex life would still be sexy a few years down the line; if we continue to view our partner as a sexual being and make sure that we decide to desire them, then we can maintain an exciting and sexual sex life; but we have to listen…
In order for sex to continue to be sexy for a long time we have to listen to ourselves and to our partner, we have to listen, absorb and act.
By listening to our inner voice we can stop ourselves from wandering off, from having affairs, from becoming bored; we can instill a sense of desire and longing into our mind, we can keep ourselves interested in having sex with someone with whom we have a connection.
If we listen to what our partner likes, if we listen to the sounds they make during sex, if we listen and absorb, then there is no need for the sex life to become boring. By listening to them, we can please them; by pleasing them, we can also please ourselves.
Sex should be as flexible as the rest of our lives, we should be prepared for the changes and we should adapt as best we can; we must communicate what we like and we must be prepared to hear what they say and observe what they do – what works and what doesn’t work should all be taken into account.
Sex is a two way street; it requires effort if it is to keep being worthwhile with one person.
The effort we put into having an affair (because we have allowed our sex life to become mundane) should be put back into maintaining the sexual connection we once had with our partner.
The effort we put into going to work to buy more things to fill up our homes which do nothing for our life should be put into working on our sex life – make less money but make more effort to spend time as lovers, to spend time in bed, to spend time giving and receiving a connection instead of spending money in a mall that does nothing for our love life or our sex life.
The effort we put into arguing, judging or feeling unsatisfied with our sex life should be turned around and flipped into satisfying our partner.
We have a choice with sex. We can either choose to give up and stray, or we can make the decision to work at what we have and make sure that we are giving as good (or more) than we get.
The best way to avoid sexual boredom and to enact sexual freedom is to practice ‘variation with consistency’, to make sure that we are always thinking about what we could do better, about enhancing what we have so that it is even more original than before; continually work at creating interesting scenarios and exciting experiences; keeping it unpredictable, keeping it sexy.
That is the secret – variation with consistency.
Guy Blews is the author of ‘Marriage & How To Avoid It’ and the instigator of Realistic Relationships. He has a blog at [http://www.RealisticRelationships.com] where he approaches love, life and relationships from a new and different point of view and he encourages you to do the same. His latest book is entitled ‘Realistic Relationships’ and is available at his website.
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